Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

A short entry.

I spent the last month and a half in WSPH.

West Seattle Psychiatric Hospital.

I'm getting better, or so I'll let them believe.

I had a complete breakdown.

I'm medicated and on 24 hour watch.

I'll slowly come home.

This is the last time I will be posting here. I cannot write you all individually and you deserve so much more. This year has been one of transformation for me. I can't explain further for I have betrayed you all. I am not who I said I was and I can only leave it at that. None of you ever really knew me as I was, it doesn't matter now because it isn't who I am. I know I am being vague but that is all I can give you. I only know I can't go on with this facade, this fake reality that sometimes I wished so hard were true. I haven't been honest and now I will blink out of existence. Perhaps we shall all meet in another life when I am how you knew me. Until then, farewell. Don't bother to comment or send me E-mail...this is the last time my eyes will view these pages.

Someone save me...before I slip through the cracks.

I spent all day yesterday on the couch like the ultimate lazy American.

I don't think that I am alone when I say that I am in love with more than one person.

I'm actually in love with three people right now and since they are all different, I love them differently.

I love my wife for many reasons. Respect, mutual goals and desires, for being herself, beautiful, honest, trustworthy...I could go on and on to justify my love for her but I don't need to. I love her and that's that.

But I also love my first flame...though I hardly ever speak to her and she’s got three kids of her own. I haven't seen her in over seven years but you know what they say about your first love. I dream about her at least twice a month.

And I love someone who I have never met physically. Someone I am deeply bonded to through a creative connection over the net. Soul met soul. She is a rose amongst weeds. I hardly understand it myself, this rapture.

Tell me I'm not alone...tell me that my tragically human heart isn't full of betrayal. I am the most loyal and loving person...yet there are three in my heart.

But only one I am committed to.

I got this really funny Email over the weekend and I usually don't even pay attention to this kind of shit but it was really funny!

Try it yourself..go to google.com and type in "(your name) needs"... then take the top 5 funniest answers and post em!

Example...my name is Jay...I type in "Jay needs" (make sure to put in the "..." otherwise it doesn't work)

Here are my top 5 funniest.

1. Jay Needs to Sharpen His Sarcasm.
2. Jay needs a home where he is the only child or the other siblings are male.
3. Jay needs more information on filter strips and how effective they would be on
his farm.
4. Looks Like Jay Needs Help!
5. Jay needs to go, not to the bench, but just go.

What did you guys get?

Hey all!

I'm sure you may have seen this test around before. An old friend recently sent me the link and I really want to know where all of you fall.

Here's the link

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

then go here for more details

www.typelogic.com




If any of you are curious I was an INFJ
Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging

Here are some blurbs...it's really frightening how it pins you down!

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.



INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.



"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.



INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.



INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.



INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.



Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).



This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.



In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Ok...so the script mishap was a yahoo mistake. Sorry for thinking/posting out loud!
Anyway...I can't believe I forgot to post this! YOU HAVE TO READ THIS! It was the funniest thing I have ever seen! Really!

So yesterday morning I was watching Komo5 live news and they had this gust author on. She wrote this cookbook for kids...you know the likes...ways to disguise food to make your kids eat it. They had a guest kid on too...Billy. (Poor Billy!)

So Billy is busy making a cupcake piggy and the Komo5 news lady asks him what food he hates.

"FRUIT!" Billy replies.

So she takes a slice of apple from this fruit bowl and dips it into this "yummy yogurt sauce kids cant resist".

"Well here Billy, try this!" *Shoves dripping sauce covered apple into Billy's mouth.

On live T.V. Billy gags, his eyes begin to water...he gags again and vomits and long trail of white saliva all over his piggy cupcake. *Then he projectile vomits*

How's that for your morning news? Not to mention great promotion for your "kids love 'em" recipes!

Last night laying in bed...

J: Let’s try to read each other’s minds…you know…like I’ll think of something and you see if you can pick up my brain waves.

V: That’s retarded.

J: So what we don’t have anything else to do. Let’s try it!

V: Okay fine…think of something.

J: (Thinking of watermelons)

V: Ummmm…poop.

J: Nope

V: Ummmm…tuna.

J: TUNA? No…try again.

V: I don’t wanna…I’m sleepy. I’ll think of something and you do it.

J: Ok…you suck! (laughs)

V: MMmph

J: Are you thinking of something?

V: Yes.

J: Okok…hmmm…a blank piece of paper?

V: No

J: A pencil?

V: No

J: Popcorn?

V: No…

J: Ok..let me clear my mind first. (Clears head and visualizes connecting to the mind. Super focused with eyes closed)

V: …

J: Alright..ummm. I’m seeing a birdhouse.

V: Nope

J: Huh…I keep seeing a bird. A bluejay?

V: No

J: Ok then. Umm..a dirt road? A Jeep?

V: No

J: A deer? I see a deer with antlers.

V: (laughs) NO!

J: Ok…umm..deer..snow?

V: …

J: I see snow and pine trees…on a mountain!

V: …

J: It’s Mt. Rainier! You’re thinking of Mt. Rainier!

V: I’m not convinced! I’m skeptical!

J: But that was it right?

V: Yes.

Ok...so last night my wife was watching Dr. Phil (god...) and I couldn't help but overhear this "new" game kid's are playing now called Space Monkey.

I say "new" because I remember back in the day my friends and I used to do this our freshman year in high school...and it really wasn't that big of a deal.

So basically it’s the "passing out" game. You know the one. You do something like have a friend choke you or stand on you head and hold your breath then stand up so you pass out.

I just wanted to clarify that I took my name Space Monkey from the movie Fight Club.

On a different note. I awoke to the most wonderful surprise I have gotten in a long time. A song dedication. My wife was listening to a CD getting ready for work when she played me this song and snuggled. It was more than touching.


If he were a color
He'd be a deep dark forest green
If he were a car
He'd be a long stretch limousine
With room for all of humanity inside
Cause he is so giving
And he is so wise
If he were a number
He'd be a five cause he has such a brilliant mind
If were an animal
He's be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes

But if he were a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world to me

If he were a building
He'd be a beautiful cathedral
Cause he's so traditionally spiritual
If he were a dance
He'd be complicated like the tango
Exotic like a mango

But if here a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world me

He ain't the reasong for the sun and the moon
He is the reason for this here tune

Cause he means the world to me (ooh ooh)
Said he means the world to me
Me me me yeah
He means the world to me yeah

Complicated melody that complicated fellow he
He's a complicated melody
I almost can not sing it on key

Apparently I have nothing interesting to say for no one ever comments on my Journal...I'm starting to wonder if this is just a waste of my time. Please...no pity posts.

In the meantime, I’ve read an amazing book called Entanglement about how particles interact with each other. (Laymen) Say for instance there's particle AB and particle CD. Say pieces A and C interact in some way, well then no matter where they are or if they are even aware of each other particles B and D will become entangled as well. This shit really happens! It is very possible that something some one does next door, across the ocean, galaxy or universe will directly affect you...no matter what and vice versa. There is interconnectivity to all matter.

Well I have just been busier than a seven peckered billy goat! Things are kind of in a whirlwind stage for me now and I feel very out of touch with reality. I've been wandering around aimlessly for hours at a time. There's something to be said for TOO MUCH free time and NOT ENOUGH money.

If I had a shit load of money right now I wouldn't be half as bored or displaced.

Are the autumn blues setting in for me? Am I getting cranky? Cantankerous?

One thing for sure...I really don't feel like sitting on the Internet at the LIBRARY right now...and I haven't for quite awhile. I wish we had the net at home, I cant stand sitting here, day after day trying to cram everything I have to say into a one hour time slot! My email is backing up with unanswered letters but I just don't have the steam...

I'm having a good day now considering I just witnessed a guy on a motorcycle get hit from behind by a car...

Ever have one of those days?

I'm sitting at the library in an old Adidas hoodie, bright poppy red Puma jogging pants, some old tennies, a pom pom beanie (red white and navy)...I haven't showered, it's cold outside yet I have that disgusting "baby sweat" thing going on. Not a full blown sweat but that clammy/semi stinky moist type thing under my arms. I haven't even washed my face (But I brushed my teeth! I have a tooth brushing obsession!)

So add on to that the fact that I have to piss really bad and can feel a good poop working up. That Chai Tea works wonders, let me tell you!

The saddest thing is...the thing I'm looking forward to most today is watching the Drag Quuen Beauty Pagent on Maury. We get to guess who's really a guy and who's a woman.

SIGHHHHHhhhhhh...some days are just like that.

So I saw on the news last night that there was a large sunspot that would enable we Seattle folk to see the "Northern Lights" last night. I almost shit myself. I have wanted to witness this beautiful display of light and magnetism since high school (over 10 years). Naturally I called the news station and asked when the best time to observe would be.

Shortly after midnight I stood on Alki Beach by Salty's restaurant looking over the bay at the city. Alas...there was too much cloud cover. I did see a beautiful display of reflected light on the low clouds from the city...but other than that I saw nada. I shall have to wait for a "clear" opportunity or continue my trek north and accomplish my goal of going to Alaska.


On another note...everyone ready for the Presidents "Big Speech" tonight? Maybe he'll write more potty break notes to Miss Rice.

A blurb to make you think from the latest book I am reading...

"...How can Nothing have such profound effects? To imagine how it might happen, consider a very ordinary kind of "nothing"-like a blank piece of paper. When you write or draw on this featureless background, you're free to create anything you like. From scratch. Ex Nihilo. A perfectly featureless background like a blank piece of paper couldn’t possibly affect what we draw on it/ or so we think. But what if...

The paper is bumpy so that any mark you draw on it skips and sputters from place to place and you find that it’s impossible to draw a perfectly smooth line.

Or the paper is slippery, so that your pen slides and the ink oozes off the edge.

Or the paper is curled into a cylinder, so that even a straight line circles around and meets itself from the rear.

Or the paper is black- so anything you draw on it disappears.

Or the paper is three dimensional, like a cardboard box: suddenly you have more possibilities for what you can create.

Or the paper is one-dimensional. Like a line: your possibilities are constricted.

Or the paper has zero dimensions, or ten, and they are knotted and twisted in bizarre ways.

Or the paper wiggles and waves as you try to write on it. It won’t stand still.

Or the paper has a barely perceivable background, an intricate set of images that you couldn’t see until you developed the right technology.

Or the paper grows, stretches, shrinks, changes shape right before your eyes.

Or the paper itself starts to draw lines and figures of its own accord."


Think of a large rock, perched on the edge of a high cliff, doing "nothing"...

A friend introduced my to My Space this weekend. I found an old High School enemy! It was highly entertaining to see how little some people have changed. *tsk* What's even funnier is how little I have changed in that I still pass judgment on this person. But seriously...how can you take someone whose essence-describing quote is from the movie "Hitch"?

A new quote I like...

"He who knows a little about Nothing, knows everything."

(Physicists have yet to determine what the absence of objects is in our universe. Despite there being "nothing" there it certainly alters the outcome of many things.)

I found what would be my next tattoo in The Beginners Guide to Constructing the Universe. In a chapter about trapezoids I came across a passage about YHWY or YHVY. God in Hebrew. If you write the Hebrew name of god vertically instead of horizontally it makes up a four-part man.

God is man=Man is God. Poetic.

I'm going to get it on the back of my neck. I talked to Elisa today; she just got a red spiral on the inside of her left wrist.

Am I fucked up for thinking this is funny?


http://www.cashflowgenerator.com/

Here's a great passage from The Physics of Conciousness by Evan Harris Walker.

"The story of Jesus is sureloy inspiring. He surely lived, and he certainly sacrificed his own life for some cause. But what of the rest of his story can we believe in? When we look into the laws of physics, the mechanisms of biology, or the facts of medical pratice, where is there any reason to believe that Jesus could make a blind man see or miraculously cure a beggar lame from birth? Do you believe this myth of a virgin birth? Do you believe that some god came down to earth to father anyone? Do you really believe that Lazarus, dead untill his body stank from decay, was raised from the dead by anyone? Can anyone who claims to be rational today-when religion no longer serves as an explanation of where we come from or how we got this way-believe that anyone was raised from the dead?"

No before all you religious people jump down my throat take this into consideration...what is he REALLY saying? he's saying that this reality we live in today is based on Newton's three laws. It is a FACT. The computer you are using right now was bulit only because of a chain of events arising from those three laws. So what he is saying is HOW can you live in THIS reality that is based on three specific laws (look them up they're too long for me to type today with limited time, but you may get a clearer understanding of what it is I'm saying)and believe in the "backwater" version of God that is written in the bible? It is pure contradiction.

It's great to be able to look out over the city and actually SEE the city and not smog. Now that I am away I don't think I could ever move back to California.

I still have a very strong pull towards Alaska. There is something there that I need to do. There is a reason I need to be there even if it is as simple as seeing the aurora borealis. That would at least fofill my soul. What could be more important?


i live by the ocean
and during the night
i dive into it
down to the bottom
underneath all currents
and drop my anchor

and this is where i'm staying

this is my home